This is a post that I have needed to make for a while. It’s about high time I wrote it, because the level of rage I have is immense. So, if you’ll excuse me, I need to rage like a motherfucker.

Advance warning: I AM GOING TO BE TALKING ABOUT MY UTERUS.

I’ve been on this weight loss/health/fitness kick since 2006. While no, I don’t have any official certifications in anything, I certainly have experience.  I’ve been there. I’ve gone vegan, vegetarian, low fat, low carb – almost everything.  And I’m pretty smart.

Shut up.

Anyway, onto my uterus. I keep track of my period online and have been doing so for about 10 years. I do it because I believe it is crucially important to do so. Let’s take a look at my cycles from the first part of my weight loss journey. During this time, I was just eating less – while getting more vegetables in, I was also eating things like ramen, tofu, rice, beans, and the odd protein bar from Speedway. Also taking Boog to get ice cream every Sunday night.

you can click this to make it big.

 

Pretty smooth, right? Nothing uneventful.

About 2010 is when I got SERIOUS about this health/fitness thing and started reading blogs. Blogs from every facet of the fitness and nutrition industry. Coaches, trainers, blah de blah. And, for the most part, the overall message from these people is “X makes you unhealthy and causes fat gain, so don’t eat it.” So I would remove X.

And then I discovered Paleo. Now, I will give paleo credit because A. it helped me cultivate my love for delicious vegetables, and B. It did help cure some gastrointestinal issues that I was not aware of. So I love it for that. But, at the time,  the overall message was ITS THE CARBS. GRAINS AND BREAD AND ALL THAT SHIT MAKE YOU FAT AND UNHEALTHY. So I stopped eating those, too.

AND IT WORKED. I lost 10 freaking pounds within 2 weeks. And holy fuck, I have ABS. And then you get to chatting with other Paleo folk and you try to out-Paleoize each other by seeing just how low in carbs you can go. And that’s what I did, in mid-2010. I went into ketosis. And my period stopped.

And then I gained 30 lbs. I know I’ve talked about this before.

And I spent 2011 in a state of fat and depression, still fearing oatmeal, still fearing grains. I wasn’t particularly meticulous about my food intake, but I still ate my veggies, my proteins, and regular trips to my favorite place ever, Mitchell’s. And lo, you’ll see my period normalized somewhat for 2011.

And then I got tired of being fat again and got my butt in gear. I dedicated myself more to weightlifting, doing some pretty intense training, and continuing to fear those evil carbs. This time is indicated by everything above the red line in the photo.

you can click this to make it big, too.

 

Do you see what’s happening there? My cycles were more irregular than a 3-sleeved sweater from Goodwill. Overtraining and improper fuel. You can bet your sweet shit I’ve been in an absolute panic for the last 3 months. I took pregnancy tests and had my hormones tested. All normal. I went to the doctor to get a complete checkup and thyroid test. All normal, too. I am not in menopause.

I am a pretty athletically capable person, right? I’m fucking strong. We are continuously outdoors doing shit. I’ve clocked hundreds of miles on my bike. But, at the doctor’s office, would you like to know what happened? After they weighed me, I was handed a pamphlet on how to “Eat Healthy and Lose Weight” and I am totally not fucking kidding.

Until recently, I have turned a blind eye to this all because I am Doing What I am Supposed To Be Doing. Avoiding the “unhealthy” food because any amount of the “unhealthy” stuff will lead to Fat Gain.  Day in, day out, ignoring the fact that some days I was finding it incredibly difficult to get up and move. I still *did* – I rarely miss a workout, but I’ve had to force myself. That’s not me. I am a high strung obnoxious individual who loves to be outside and run around.

Guys, after meticulously tracking and eating nothing but protein, vegetable matter, and a certain amount of fat, set at around 1700 calories a day this past fall, I GAINED 10 LBS. GAINED.

ASLKHGALSKHG”LASKHG”LKshg’ladkhGLKh”glkhda”lkghDALKHG!!!!!!!!

….

I am posting all of this because of many things:

I am being honest with myself.

I am tired of hiding. I neglect to admit failure to the general public at times because I do not want to appear incompetent. But, one of the most frequent comments I get from writing my blog here is the appreciation for me putting myself out there and being honest and real. I am being honest and real right now.

This is by no means a post meant to slag any particular diet. I want that to be abundantly clear, and if I hear anyone saying “well Batty said I could eat all the bread I want” then you just completely missed the point of this post.

In a similar vein, this post is also not written to invite self righteous indignation, where you will say something like “well, this is why I have done X ALL ALONG” because attitudes do not help the matter, at all.

If anything, get this: it is not the oatmeal, the bread, the rice, the cookies, the cheesecake, or the ice cream themselves that cause fat gain. You will not necessarily get fat if you eat a slice of bread with your dinner. If you push away that bread, or the pasta, or the rice, or refuse to have ice cream out of fear and not because you don’t want it, you have serious issues. If you are turning a blind eye to any signal from your body that what you’re doing could not be the best thing for you because some nutritional guru said this is the best thing for you, you’ve got problems. If you think one egg and 3 lettuce leaves for breakfast is adequate nutrition, you’ve got problems. If you keep “falling off the wagon” from a diet you think is THE WAY TO FAT LOSS and keep having to hop on, you’ve got problems. If you feel extreme guilt after eating a rare slice of pie after your dinner, you’ve got problems.

THE WAY is what works best WHEN YOU LISTEN TO YOURSELF.

Eat what makes you feel awesome.

Don’t eat what doesn’t make you feel awesome.

And eat ENOUGH.

Fuck the rest.

Except this.

To this day, I still say that the hardest time I’ve ever had losing weight is when I started reading about losing weight.

 

  • Gwen

    Thank you for this entry and for your continuing honesty with yourself and us. There is so much bullshit around body shape and size that I sometimes feel like I am hacking through the jungle just to get to a place where I can feel strong, be strong and take good care of myself. I really hope that just one person reads this entry and hears what you are saying.

    • http://www.batty.us/ batty

      thank you, so much, for reading, being supportive, and appreciating what i write about. lemmetellya sister, you are good and strong just the way you are right now.

  • http://www.grassfedmomma.blogspot.com grassfedmomma

    So so smart you are… carry on and do Eat the Carbs! xo deb

  • http://www.facebook.com/sarah.amazing1 Sarah Amazing

    “To this day, I still say that the hardest time I’ve ever had losing weight is when I started reading about losing weight.”

    Amen to that. I swear to god, if I could just go back in time to early 2010 when I heard from primal was “don’t eat grains!” And then scrub my brain clean of all the rest of the dogma I’ve read and heard from everywhere else… Sigh. The grains thing was important for me because it exposed my gluten intolerance. That is literally all it did for me, aside from creating a motherfucking scary eating disorder. I mean, it was so exciting as first, but then it just got scary. You are amazing, and I’m so glad that I got to meet you, even if it just (still) online.

  • OurNourishingRoots

    Oh how I love this! And I know what you mean…

  • http://www.facebook.com/Emma.Hudson.Price Emma Price

    I got here about six months ago, wishing I could unlearn everything I ever learned about nutrition and just trust my instincts. Strange thing is, I would now kill for the body I had before I started dieting, it’s the dieting that has made me fat. I wish I could go back and visit my size 8 self and let her see what 15 years of *healthy* eating has done to that awesome body, but alas I’m stuck with my decisions… Sigh….

    Home-baked bread huh? I’ll be over for a sandwich later. ;-)

    • http://www.batty.us/ batty

      i will ply you with all the sandwiches you want, babes.

  • http://twitter.com/lillianjuliaD Lillian Davenport

    I have stage 4 breast cancer and took the advice of a holistic MD last year, who happens to be a weston price board member and put my on a ketogenic diet… good god it was hell. I could NOT. DO. IT. Not even to “save my life.” Now I take bits and pieces of his advice and chuck the rest.. he’s kind of a dogmatic person and I suspect that he’s just drunk the paleo kool-aid and won’t listen to contrary evidence. Not to say he’s been completely useless… quite the opposite… but the diet. I just couldn’t do it. I lost 17 lbs. this summer and then gained 30 on this crazy shit. Ugh. I hope I recover.

  • Emily

    It’s all about habits. Good eating habits will help you lose, maintain, gain…whatever your fucking goal is. Fuck the “eat only this shit” crowd, man up and work on your eating habits. It’s not the food you’re eating. It’s how you are eating the food. I learned this after many, many years of guilt ridden eating. I am happier now than I have ever been because I stopped being stupid about what I was eating and not eating and just started listening to my body and my needs. Thanks for this awesome post. ;) Found this through Go Kaleo’s page.

    • http://www.batty.us/ batty

      you are welcome! and i will give you an a-freakin-men.

  • Deanna

    Great post. I didn’t do the intentional diet thing. I did the divorce stress diet. But, the net result was the same – gained it all back and felt like crap and was so much healthier and happier before I was skinny.

    Go forward gently. Your body will heal. (At least, that’s what i keep telling myself.)

    • http://www.batty.us/ batty

      i lost 50 lbs (the first time) with that divorce stress diet. amen, sister.

  • starrgaazr

    I’m so there. I’m so ready to learn how to listen to my body, and then honor that wisdom by following it. thank you for putting it out here for us. rock on.

  • I. G.

    I started to eat a Paleo/Primal way in late 2010 – not because I had weight to lose (I was at my favourite weight/body composition then) but because I was convinced this was the path to health and effortless weight maintainance. I gradually put on 5 pounds (and no, it was not muscle as the Paleo crowd wanted to make me believe, I can tell the difference between muscle and a combination of fat and fluid retention by looking in the mirror) and lost my period for three months which was not ideal as we were trying for a second child. I was stubborn at first but then reintroduced the carbs, got my period back but it wasn´t until I went considerably higher in carbs and somewhat reduced the fat that I conceived again…I am enjoying a very easy pregnancy with lots of exercise and only very moderate weight gain (despite still enjoying my carbs) and will give birth to my second child in March. Low carb is not for me.

  • http://www.facebook.com/kymberly.mcnair Kym McNair

    “To this day, I still say that the hardest time I’ve ever had losing weight is when I started reading about losing weight.”

    Amen. What more can I say? AMEN.

  • jyllianm

    I think I’m more confused than ever. I’ve just been trying to cut out the things that I’ve discovered make me feel ill (honestly sugar in crappy candy and donuts and processed bread) and eat veg, fruit, fish and meat (also eggs) but injury and illness isn’t helping.

    • http://www.batty.us/ batty

      ahh, you make a good point here. i’ve reclassified what i consider ‘food’. shit like wonder bread and lean cuisines are not food to me. the ice cream you get at places like dairy queen isn’t really ice cream. the cheesecake handmade by a chef at a local restaurant is not the same as the cheesecake you’d pick up at the grocery store. french fries and an actual potato are two different things. dig?

      • jyllianm

        That’s where I’ve been headed, so good. I find I don’t get (as) sick if I have artisanal bread (a little) than I do if I have a hamburger on a bun from somewhere. It seems to be a trial and error thing too–but really if I didn’t cook it from scratch or someone else didn’t then I’m (trying )not to eat it. Mostly successful but I had to lose my way and find out what feeling yucky felt like again.

  • NonQuick

    Hear hear!

  • http://bluenote84149.wordpress.com/ bluenote84149

    So, what takes? Carbs aren’t that bad, moderation is key, don’t go into extremes? There are fats that are digested like carbs anyway.

  • Lori

    I have found you!! I wasn’t stalking I swear!! I remember you from the early days of MDA. Then searched for your blog and here you are. I am momofredheads, might not remember me and that’s ok. But I have to say I am struggling with the same things you are and I am not so active and haven’t been over at MDA for a while, every so often I update on the journal. I am hitting a turning point. Lost 30lbs got pregnant in 2010. Post partum lost 40lbs and have been at a stall for a year. Then I stumbled onto a crossfit blog and started reading about adding carbs back in, that when you come from paleo backround you immediately burn off fat and then your hormones say hey, we are losing fat shut down the operation, store fat, store fat. Yeah, that is where I am at, soft. So, I too am making a turn around. I won’t get into the dreary details of my newest plan, which doesn’t include a diet, but I am back on track to losing again!! You aren’t alone, you aren’t alone. My new motto is to eat to perform. Lift Heavy and eat good!! Thanks for your honesty!!

    • http://www.batty.us/ batty

      hi hi! i totally remember you! :D by all means, please drone on ;) that’s pretty much my new motto too – eat to lift my shit and feel awesome. glad to hear from you. hook up with me on FB!!